Seriously.

Why he thought Foreigner was the way to go is beyond us. Everyone knows that women who own Corvettes totally dig Night Ranger. If he had claimed to be Kelly Keagy and just showed her his awesome sweatbands, she would have simply handed the keys over. And perhaps her virginity to boot.

…Maybe that’s how Jojo Mayer can do this.

A little self-effacing drummer humor, courtesy of a very old Dave Grohl article, to get us in the holiday spirit:

10. What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band?
“Hey guys, why don’t we try one of my songs?”

9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.

8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

6. How can you tell a drummer’s at the door?
He doesn’t know when to come in.

5. How can you tell a drummer’s at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.

3. What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker?
A chiropodist bucks up your feet.

2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

1. What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.

[via Drummerworld]

Never let a drummer, particularly a crazy-ass Muppet drummer, behind the wheel of an Audi.

[via Gizmodo]

…that made a 47-year-old man break into a church to play the drums. According to the police report, Michael Smith was driving by the Holy Ghost Deliverance Church when he spotted a drum set through its window. And just like a truly devoted skinsman should, he busted right into God’s house, where officers later found him “in a spirited solo.”

…We hope that they at least let dude finish before hauling him off to the clink.

How do you tell if the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

How can you tell a drummer’s at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band?
“Hey, how about we try one of my songs?”

We learned a few months ago that drummers were smarter than most people, and now there’s scientific evidence that drummers (rock drummers anyway) are probably more physically fit too. Blondie basher Clem Burke participated in a study showing that 90 minutes of drumming could raise his heart rate to 190 beats a minute—a level on par with soccer players and other top athletes. Drumming at that rate could burn 400 to 600 calories an hour. One of the doctors involved in the study goes on to say:

Footballers ["soccer players" to us Yanks] can normally expect to play 40 to 50 games a year—but in one 12 month period, Clem played 90-minute sets at 100 concerts….It is clear that their fitness levels need to be outstanding—through monitoring Clem’s performance in controlled conditions, we have been able to map the extraordinary stamina required by professional drummers.

Check out the link for a video report from the BBC.

[thanks to Damon for the tip!]